Grizzly Adams here. The end of November has come, which means we can all thankfully retrieve our dusty razors and hack at it. I was more than surprised, quite frankly, that I wasn’t given the “shave or else” ultimatum that I expected from my folks this Thanksgiving holiday. I was totally prepared for it, seeing as how my brother met that same fate when he tried for a little follicle freedom back in his college days. Then again, it might be because of those annoying hairless patches that were peppered throughout. Remember that cute bald thumbprint under your chin, Daniel? That was just precious…

The frequency of “did ya lose your razor?” jokes did take me by surprise, however. Seriously Uncle Troy, I’m sure you thought it was hilarious as you formulated it in your head, but my annoying uncle already beat you to it. No, not him… the other one. If I get a bunch of razors for Christmas this year, well, it will be bittersweet I suppose. With the rising cost of blades, how could I not be grateful for a fresh bounty? And here it is, your moment of Zen:

I finished mixing this song almost 3 weeks ago, but I’m just now getting around to posting it. Without taking up much of your time with useless blather, here it is: I Need You Now by Aidan Rowe.

All but History class was canceled today, so I made use of the extra hour and a half to bring in a little extra of that sweet green stuff.

I’m disappointed in myself. I missed it. I was hoping I’d be there when they printed it, but by the time I got there today the Dubya “Still the One!” shirt order was done. I was really looking forward to watching my shop manager’s face the whole time I was packing the ‘W’ shirts away. Must have really gigged her good to be printing shirts in support of a man for whom she had such a hate even Lucifer would blush. The layout alone made me giggle. The designer of the doomed “stick it to the dems” shirt must have found the best Bush headshot with the Goon Squad of America’s seal of approval. Pre-election fury might have sold a few, but what self-respecting voter would don a shirt with Told ya so! plastered across the front? Oh well… he might sell a few. And I’ve seen worse. Like the time a woman came into the shop with the brilliant idea of converting men’s briefs into women’s tops. Has your brain farted yet? Like I said, brilliant.

Why are kids today enjoying songs with such empty lyrics? I personally enjoy a good Oldies station. You can never get back to those classics, no siree. They just don’t make them like they used to, not like The Doors and their inquiries about a woman’s name that they love.

I discovered something truly saddening today. I was unpacking freshly printed shirts from a hot cardboard box today, and I must have stuck my head a little closer to the box than normal. I wafted something extraordinary, and I was instantly hungry. I had this inexplicable yearning for a big, messy slice of pepperoni. I must have stood there for a few minutes–mouth open, drooling–before it all clicked into place. This smell that was taunting me–all this time I’d been associating it with those fat kid dream pies that came at least weekly to the Smith house. Was the culprit merely a steaming cardboard box? Was a self-professing Fat Kid not intimately familiar with every nuance of those peppered meat circles?

In the throes of disaster one can never know what the future might hold in store. But this may very well be one of those moments from which everything else makes reference. Years from now I might be saying, “It was years ago that my life changed and I discovered that all along I’d really been craving a nice, hot slice of cardboard.”

Tonight I got a follow-up email from the Belmont Vision stating that they definitely will be putting my letter in the next issue. And the next minute they sent another one asking me if I’d like to write for them. Ha! Don’t they know I only have enough time to criticize other people’s work?

I wrote to the Belmont newpaper, the Vision, to respond to this article, and since I doubt they’ll be running it (or at least my comment in its entirety) I thought I’d let you enjoy…

To the editor:

How insulting. If it isn’t enough that our national and local news media is a total joke, we look at the Vision for the signs of the future journalist to see a dismal display of investigative reporting. The article on Fisher’s salary could not have pampered his ego any more without baby powder and some Huggies. Lacking any quotes from Dr. Fisher himself on the issues, we are turned over to Larry Thrailkill for some words of coercion. It’s not that I think Dr. Fisher is less than qualified for such a rigorous position, but the achievements Fisher’s lackey listed off just don’t jive with the student body. To me, they don’t justify a 75% pay increase in less than 4 years!

The achievements are vague at best, and of the three-raising money, increasing enrollment, and improving the campus-only one is blatantly obvious. And boasting about a 400 student increase in enrollment isn’t much of an improvement if we can’t house them. Perhaps if Fisher really lived in a student dorm like the little skit in last year’s Fall Follies portrayed he would understand our predicament. And the spin on parking in the auxiliary lot of the old liquor store isn’t quite convincing enough to make me leave my car across the intersection from a barber shop where a man was shot last year, I don’t care how many hourly passes Belmont Security makes. All afraid to leave campus, raise your hands!

Maybe more money has been raised, but we can’t see it. And the campus has been improved? Ah, how vague a thought! Only on visitation weekends, of course. (Unless you count that cesspool in the middle of the amphitheater. Yeah, that’s been fixed– and now it’s a bidet.)

The point is this: how about getting information that the students really want to know rather than throwing some unconvincing story at us that expects us to gladly fork over even more money next year. Investigate the university’s claims about a 12:1 student-to-teacher ratio, a statement that totally contradicts any experience by the Music Business students who are herded through the advising process like unwanted cattle. How about a story that takes the rumors of why professors are leaving to the next level? Examine Klepko and Henson’s resignations to determine just how poorly the university may have been treating them. It seems to me that Fisher should be more concerned about keeping the good ones than just filling positions for professors, a skill which he has clearly yet to master. Most people don’t get a raise unless results are actually observed. But alas, what can a reader actually expect from a school paper? I doubt this letter will even be printed. Que sera, sera.

Okay, children. It’s that time of year again. Time to gather ’round the Thanksgiving turkey and gorge ourselves. And also, we must schedule classes for the upcoming sinister. I mean, semester. Sometimes you have no choice: Satan himself will be your professor. Or perhaps the book he wrote, and coincidentally requires you to buy, will have more personality that the professor himself. But most of the time, you can avoid this. And here’s how. This is the information superhighway’s version of “Hey, who’s good for economics?” Check out: RateMyProfessors.com

I really don’t follow her music, but I’ve got to give some support to Sarah McLachlan for this. In one fell swoop, she’s managed to not only point out the rampant hypocracy of the entertainment industry for idly demanding that someone else do something to help the poor, and she’s done something about it. There’s really not much to say about it. Just watch it. Anyone going into the entertainment industry should take this to heart.

I find it amazing after this Tuesday’s election that, though it was a clear victory for the incumbent, people refuse to accept it. I saw a sticker on a stop sign the other day that parodied the rather classy ‘W The President’ sticker: this one said ‘F The President, the revolution starts today’. Oh really? Are you so bored with your perfect life in this great country that you need to create a new reality involving you in some neo-Communist revolution? It failed, folks! And miserably, I might add.

The overwhelming notion I’ve gained from this election year is an insight into the type of people that the Democratic Party now apparently attracts. Unfortunately for that party, their followers consist of a rather raucous crowd of Americans so pissed off by the “truth” of a documentary that they cannot begin to see any other perspective, resorting to name calling like a 4th grader that got the swing stolen from him on the playground. ‘M The Moron’? That’s the best you can come up with? Check the blogs folks; they’re filled with self-consolation in the form of belittling anyone obviously intelligent enough to be elected to public office as a moron. Oh, and the 51% that elected him? Well, they just happen to be ignorant to the truth that I’ve contrived in my own mind. Sheesh, these people are nearly as bad as the Republicans they’re railing against!

That’s right. It’s a majority this time, and you can get over it. Assuming he wasn’t really the winner of the 2000 election, at least this time around enough people thought he deserved to be kept in the position of Leader of the Free World. There’s some doomed argument out there right now amongst the sour-grapers that it’s only 51%… I mean, that’s barely a majority. Ready for the kicker? These are the same people that supported Clinton, but don’t know that he never received a majority of the vote.

That’s the way our system work. If you don’t like it, tough. You don’t really expect it to change do you? Oh, that right… the revolution, I almost forgot. The change to the electoral college would have to be made by the very people that were elected to office by that system. It worked for them, why would they want to change it?

Why won’t anyone take responsibility for their own life and decide to make the change for themselves? You obviously see how miserably the government has failed at social programming, so why would you expect them to get better at it the more money you give them? Quit demanding that Bush take care of your daily life. That has been and always will be a freedom in this country that I will fight against losing.

That’s right kids, it’s time for the First Annual Most Offensive Away Message Award. This award aims to salute those who throw all tenets of political correctness to the wind and put it out there for compulsive away message checkers to see. Enjoy:

“Attention Negroes: please refrain from taking up the entire sidewalk, walking painfully slow, yelling as loud as possible even though your homeboy is only a foot away, and smacking me in the head with your oversized patio umbrella on the way to class. also, it really isnt that cool to talk as though your mouth is full of peanut butter. please, use consonants, i cant understand you.”-Jansen

Whoever this “Jansen” is… there’s one of those slowly building applauses coming your way.